How to stop kids from eating Tide Pods

My Favorite Song(s)
2 min readFeb 25, 2018
They look delicious.

So Fresh, So Clean — Outkast (Stankonia)

A couple of reference explanations before we get into it.

Martha → that’s my mom. When you read her name in your head do it in English and really put a lot of emphasis on the TH because that’s how my friends do it.

Fulanito de tal → Way to refer to a person in Spanish in a very generic “John Doe” type of way. Like saying “you know so and so.”

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s do this.

I have no sympathy for people who eat Tide Pods. I believe there are 2 ways your parents could’ve prevented you from making that decision.

1. Making you aware enough to make the right decision


Mom: David *in Spanish* if Fulanitodetal jumps off a cliff into the water will you jump too?

David: I don’t know, Mom. I feel like I need a lot more information to make that decision.

Like: How tall is the cliff? Are people swimming in the water below? How cold is it? Did I bring a towel to dry off? Are there rocks in the water? Has anyone ever spotted a shark or jellyfish in the water? How long ago did I eat? If someone jumped before me, are they okay? Why do we have to go to church on Sundays if the Cowboys are playing? (All questions I never got the answer to)

2. Scaring you enough not to want to piss them off


Whenever I had a difficult decision to make I would ask the same question: If I do this, is Mom going to kill me?

If the answer to that question was, “Mom is going to kill me,” there was a pretty good chance I wouldn’t go through with it (2/3 times at least).

In my particular case, this fear extended beyond myself and into my friends as I frequently got hit with, “Dude, Martha is going to be pissed.”

Agreed, Martha would be pissed, I don’t think I should do this.

There you have it, either teach your kids the right way to do things or scare the shit out of them enough that they won’t ever want to upset you. They did both on me, and I turned out pretty alright 🤠

In the spirit of what this profile was originally about, here’s a song that goes perfectly with this topic.

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